Chp. 1:
God begins informing Moses of a great mess of strange rules about the way in which to chop up animals in order to make him (God) happy.
So: when a man comes to Moses' brother Aaron and the other priests to make a burnt offering of a bull, he will bring forward that bull from his herd and kill it at the Tent of Meeting. Then the priests will:
(a) Throw blood around the altar
(b) Flay the animal
(c) Cut it into pieces, separating the head and fat from the body
(d) Rinse the entrails and legs
(e) Burn the results, creating an odor pleasing to the LORD.
Now if that man comes forward to make burnt offering of a sheep or goat, he will kill that sheep or goat at the Tent of Meeting. Then the priests will:
(a) Throw blood around the altar
(b) Flay the animal
(c) Cut it into pieces, separating the head and fat from the body
(d) Rinse the entrails and legs
(e) Burn the results, creating an odor pleasing to the LORD.
Now, if that man comes forward to make burnt offering of a bird, he will bring turtledoves or young pigeons to the Tent of Meeting. A priest will wring off the bird's neck and burn its body on the altar, draining its blood down one side of the altar while tearing it open by the wings in order to cast its crop and feathers to the east of the altar. And the bird, burning during all this, will create an odor pleasing to the LORD.
Chp. 2
Now if a man wants to make a cereal offering, he must take some care in preparing just the right stuff to sacrifice. Trix, after all, is for kids and not the LORD. Which is a wholly pathetic attempt at humor, yes.
But yeah so anyway, what you do is pour oil and frankincense onto fine flour and take that to the Tent of Meeting, standing patiently in line behind all the guys there rich enough to be sacrificing fatted bulls and unblemished goats. I suppose it must have been very embarrassing back in the day - little old impoverished you, standing around with a measly cheap cereal offering for the priests while the fur and blood goes a'flying from your neighbors' disposable livestock. The bronze-age equivalent of going to a Starbucks in the Marina district.
Cereal offerings can be made raw, or given over to the priests baked as unleavened cakes or wafers, or cooked by griddle or pan without leaven or honey. The priests pour oil on what ya' give 'em, burn up part of it to create a somewhat-pleasing-but-not-as-pleasing-as-animal-fat odor to The LORD, and keep the other part of each cake for themselves to eat later. Because God, just as much as do his earthly representatives, needs cake.
Side note: what is frankincense? A good question. It appears to be a resin tapped from hardscrabble little trees, genus Boswellia by name, which grow mainly out of remote rocks and crags in the middle east and are therefore pretty inaccessible to modern Americans interested in observing the laws of the LORD their God. So, better to steer clear of these cereal offerings, I say, and save up for some good old reliable bull and goat sacrifices.
All cereal offerings, I should not neglect to mention, must be salted. God's very particular about this. As angry as Yahweh is throughout the Hebrew Bible, you'd think he might show greater concern for his blood pressure. But no. Nothing but fatty red meats and salty carbs for The LORD.
Chp. 3
Now if a man wants to make a peace offering - brace yourselves, big shock coming - he brings an animal to the Tent of Meeting, kills it, and hands it over to the priests. They fling the blood around the altar, and set fire to "the fat covering the entrails and all the fat that is on the entrails, and the two kidneys with the fat that is on them at the loins, and the appendage of the liver which he shall take away from the kidneys." (3:4) And the burning of these organs creates, in turn, an odor pleasing to The LORD.
But what if the man makes a peace offering and the animal he offers is a lamb? I bet you were wondering about that. Well, that man will bring his lamb to the Tent of Meeting, kill it, then the priests will fling its blood around the altar. Then they will cook its "fat, the fat tail entire, taking it away close by the backbone, and the fat that covers the entrails, and all the fat that is on the entrails, and the two kidneys with the fat that is on them at the loins, and the appendage of the liver which he [the priest] will take away with the kidneys." (3:10) And the burning of these things will create - what again? - an odor pleasing to The LORD.
All of which may be good and well. But what, you are no doubt asking yourself, what if the peace offering is of a goat? Well, then that man will take his goat to the Tent of Meeting, kill it, and hand it over to the priests. They will fling its blood around the altar. Then they will set to flame "all the fat covering its entrails, all the fat that is on the entrails, and the two kidneys with the fat that is on them at the loins, and the appendage of the liver which he [the priest] shall take away with the kidneys." (3:15) And the burning of these things will create - say it with me this time - an odor pleasing to The LORD.
Leviticus 3, verses 16-17: "All fat is the LORD's. It shall be a perpetual statute throughout your generations, in all your dwelling places, that you eat neither fat nor blood."
And why? Because God wants your fat. All of it. And all of your blood.
Chp. 4
Now if you really mess something up and need to get right with God about it, the thing to do is make a sin offering.
If it's a priest who sins, the offering will be of a bull. The bull is taken - where? Why, to the Tent of Meeting, I'm sure you never would have guessed. Where it is killed and handed over to priests-other-than-the-one-who-sinned. They fling its blood all around, like usual, but this time with gusto. The priest sprinkles blood seven times before the sanctuary veil. There's apparently a pair of horns on the altar where incense is burned? These are smeared down in blood. Blood is poured at the base of the altar. And the fat from the entrails and liver and kidneys and et cetera are burned, while the bull's skin, head, legs, organs, and dung are carried outside to be burned on an ash heap.
If it's the whole people of Israel who sin, the sin offering will be of a bull. The bull is taken to the Tent of Meeting, killed, and handed over to the priests. They fling its blood around, shaking it seven times at the sanctuary veil, anointing the horns of the altar with it, and pouring the rest out at the altar base. The entrail- and kidney- and liver-fat is burned, and the skin, head, legs, organs, and dung are carried outside to be burned on an ash heap.
Now if it's a ruler of the Israelites who sins, the sin offering will be of a male goat. The goat is taken to the Tent of Meeting, killed, and handed over to the priests. They fling its blood around, smearing some on the altar horns and pouring the rest out at the altar base. But no shaking of blood seven times before the sanctuary veil when making the sin offering for a ruler. Make note of that. And then the goat's fat is burned.
Whew, this stuff is great, yes? For the Christians out there I'd like to pause at this moment to fast-forward to a quick quote:
Think not that I have come to abolish the law and the prophets; I have come not to abolish them but to fulfill them. For truly, I say to you, till heaven and earth pass away, not an iota, not a dot, will pass from the law until all is accomplished. Whoever then relaxes one of the least of these commandments and teaches men so, shall be called least in the kingdom of heaven; but he who does them and teaches them shall be called great in the kingdom of heaven. For I tell you, unless your righteousness exceeds that of the scribes and Pharisees, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. (Matthew 5:17-20)So stock up on yer goats, Christians. It ain't quite as simple as just not being queer.
Now, if it's a regular old Israelite citizen who sins, the sin offering will be of a female goat. The goat is taken to the Tent of Meeting, killed, handed over to the priests. Blood goes on altar horns and is poured at altar base: none shaken before sanctuary veil. Then, burn fat.
Also, if it's a regular Israelite citizen who sins, he can alternately bring a female lamb for the sin offering. The lamb is taken to the Tent of Meeting, killed, handed to priests. Blood goes on altar horns and altar base: no blood shaken before sanctuary veil. Then burn fat.
And now for your edification, I offer the foregoing chapter - Leviticus 4 - abridged:
kill... blood... blood... blood... blood... blood... fat... fat... entrails... fat... entrails... kidneys... fat... loins... appendage of the liver... kidneys... skin... flesh... head... legs... entrails... dung... killed... blood... blood... blood... blood... fat... kill... blood... blood... fat... fat... kill... blood... blood... fat... kill... blood... blood... fat....
Chp. 5
If you refuse to testify as a witness, or you touch an unclean animal or human waste, or you utter a rash oath (whatever that amounts to exactly) you are guilty. And you must make a guilt offering.
So how do you make a guilt offering? Don't know? Well you start by taking a lamb - or if you can't afford a lamb then two turtledoves, which in the absence of other turtledove-sources I assume you should have saved up from your last Twelve Days of Christmas - and bring this animal or animals to the priests.
Wait, you don't have two turtledoves? Fine, The LORD may be extremely weird, wanting all these animals, but he is not inflexible. So you touched some human waste, or you uttered a rash oath (whatever that amounts to exactly): it's not the end of the world. So just bring a tenth an ephah of fine flour to the priests for sacrifice.
You don't know what the hell an ephah is? Me either. So just bring whatever you can afford. The priests will kill it and burn it, or wrench its head off and burn it, or just burn it - whatever's appropriate - and off you go. But please, steer clear of touching human waste this time or you'll just be right back here tomorrow making another guilt offering.
(Note: more serious forms of guilt, as defined in a way I can make no sense of despite multiple rereadings of this chapter, are to be atoned-for with the guilt offering of a ram.)
Chp. 6
If you steal or defraud a fellow Israelite, you're to pay back the wronged party 12o% of the value of the item or items poached, and make a guilt offering in the form of a ram.
Rules for priests: the burnt-offering fire is to be kept going round the clock, and the priests are to wear linens while cleaning out the ash of the previous day's sacrifices in the morning.... Various rules about cereal offerings are now repeated wholesale from a couple chapters back....
On the day a priest is anointed, a twentieth of an ephah of fine flour is sacrificed in the morning, another twentieth in the evening, with no part saved for the priests to eat (as in the manner of regular cereal offerings).
Priests are allowed to eat the meat of sin offerings, provided that afterward they shatter any earthenware jars they use to boil that meat, since the meat is holy. Or something along those lines which makes equally little sense.
Chp. 7
Priests get to eat the meat from guilt offerings. Also from peace and thanksgiving offerings, which should be rounded out with unleavened cakes served with the meat, and eaten up entire by the priests before morning.
Don't eat flesh that has touched an unclean thing, or eat it while you are yourself unclean. Don't eat any fat; don't eat any blood. "Whoever eats any blood, that person shall be cut off from his people." (27)
Vampire bigotry.
The breast and right thigh of peace offerings are to be separated from the animal and made as a "wave offering" (whatever that could possibly mean) by being waved before the altar and then eaten by the priests (I guess that's what it means?).
But what we basically have here is: God, of course, gets all the blood and fat from the sacrifices. The skin, head, and entrails are chucked outside on an ash heap. And the rest is funneled into a constant supply of free freaking meat for the priests. Which is a shameless racket, because there's no way your average Israelite could maintain a herd large enough, in this unrefrigerated age, to slaughter enough animals to have meat more than - oh, I don't know, a couple times a week tops, probably a lot less. But if you're a priest you've got barbecued goat coming out of your ears all day and night.
Chp. 8
So with these sacrificial rules duly established, Moses consecrates, or, if you like, gives a holy hazing to, the Israelite people's first generation of priests. This consists in dressing them up all fancy, slinging oil and the blood of three herd animals everywhere in sight, then making them wait seven days in a tent.
A word about that getting-dressed-up. Moses washes Aaron and the other priests with water, then "he put on him the coat, and girded him with the girdle, and clothed him with the robe, and put the ephod upon him, and girded him with the skillfully woven band of the ephod, binding it to him therewith. And he placed the breastpiece on him, and in the breastpiece he put the Urim and the Thummim. And he set the turban upon his head, and on the turban, in front, he set the golden plate, and the holy crown, as God commanded Moses." (7-9)
And, yea, Aaron looked fab-yuuu-lous!
Chp. 9
When Aaron and the priests are let out of their holding tent after seven days, they celebrate by chopping up seven animals and slinging the blood hither and yon: bull, ram, goat, calf, lamb, ox, and one more ram. Pretty much the Levitican smorgasbord. And cereal offerings, natch'.
And all due detail is repeated again about entrail-handling and fat-burning and blood smearing, as we have encountered in every the chapter so far of Leviticus.
Chp. 10
Well this is strange. Not that everything up to this point wasn't, but this part surely is.
Now Nadab and Abihu, the sons of Aaron, each took his censer, and put fire in it, and laid incense on it, and offered unholy fire before the LORD, as he had not commanded them. And fire came forth from the presence of the LORD and devoured them, and they died before the LORD. (1-2)What, you may ask, is "unholy fire"? I'm wondering too. Above is the RSV quote (Revised Standard Version); it's translated in the JPS (Jewish Publication Society) Tanakh as "alien fire" - so the point seems to be that Nadab and Abihu, like, obtained the fire from an incorrect (unconsecrated) source. Not too clear to me. They used an ember from the previous night's s'more roasting?, or they just broke out their Bics?
Well, you know, blow me down with a feather. This is like giving a dad a 39-page small-print instruction manual for assembling a swing set, and he needs to do it alone out in the backyard in the semidark on Chirstmas eve after the kids have been put to bed. He's tired after a long day of 20 generations of enslavement in Egypt, and so he screws in the diagonal support rod where the horizontal rod's supposed to go - even though he's forcing the screw into too small a hole....
And: God hurls down fire from the sky and murders him.
But that sounds fair enough, yes? Follow my instructions, plebs, even when you're doing it all by yourself on the first time out. Because I am your heavenly father, and I love you, and if you screw anything up I will murder you instantly.
Gotta love religion.
For no conceivable reason, Moses tells Aaron that God will smite the whole community if he (Aaron) expresses any formal mourning for the repulsive and unconscionable murder of his own two sons. And why should Aaron be allowed to mourn? Insult to injury, dictionary definition.
And by the by, Moses tells Aaron, priests henceforth can't work drunk. Would that I should say the same about this blog.
(Is it being implied that Aaron's sons screwed up their ritual - and were killed - because they performed it intoxicated and messed it up? Impossible to say, considering that the text of the Bible is all-the-time seething with non-sequiturs....)
But the plot thickens! Moses asks after what's been done with "the goat of the sin offering". I believe he's talking about the animal at the center of the botched sacrifice. And Moses is steamed something terrible that Aaron's two remaining sons, Eleazar and Ithamar... uh, he's steamed that they... uh... I don't know. I don't know. I just really can't figure it out.
Frankly I give up on this passage.
I mean, consider my situation. I peruse multiple Bible translations and run some searches to see what people say about this passage online; and I've been reading a couple of interpretive books in tandem the whole time, like especially James Kugel's very wonderful How to Read the Bible: but sometimes like now I think to yourself, I do not care if the asinine problem in the final freaking paragraph of Leviticus-10 is whether Eleazar and Ithamar ate their portion of the goat sacrifice in the wrong place, or they ate it at the wrong time, or they didn't eat it at all?; or maybe the problem had to do with blood not being properly moved from one spot to another within the tabernacle-area in the way it should have been prior to goat-meat eating or non-goat-meat-eating...? Sometimes you just think, "Well hey, this wacky book is a lot of fun and all, but I have better frigging things to do with my synapses."
"Frigging". Not the word I wanted to use. But I've come so far so far without using obscenities, and so yes, let's stick.
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