Leviticus III: Atonement, Whom Not to Have Sex With, Molech, Wizards, etc. (Lev. 16 - 20)

Chp 16

This is one of those Levitican passages that makes butchering a load of livestock and throwing their blood all over the place sound shockingly dull. In this case, what's being described is the original procedure for The Day of Atonement, observed by contemporary Jews as Yom Kippur, albeit with a lot less zoological carnage.

And this chapter of the Levit' is also the origin of the concept of the scapegoat. Alongside plenty of auxiliary butchery, the ritual for the Day of Atonement centers around two sacrifical goats. One of these is slaughtered, chopped, splashed about, and then finally burned up for Yahweh: the other is driven off into the wilderness for the pleasure of a certain Azazel.

So now who or what is that? Who knows? I assume Azazel must be a close associate of Gozer, who so famously attacked lower Manhattan in the incarnate form of the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man.

Who you gonna' call?

Pre-9-11 attacks on New York City used to be so cute, didn't they.

Aaaany-hoo, this second goat absorbs the sins of the Israelites each year and is shipped off with them into the wilderness, where evidently Azazel finds them (the sins) to make for good eating. The Hebrews must rest that day as well - the tenth of the seventh month of the Hebrew calendar, meaning it falls on a different day each year of the Gregorian one - and while resting they must "afflict themselves." I don't know what that amounts to, but it doesn't sound like good resting.

Chp. 17

If you sacrifice an animal on your own recognizance - like, out in the field or something - you have to bring it into town and present it at the Tent of Meeting. Do not sacrifice animals to a satyr. If you kill a living thing in order to offer up its blood to an invisible man, that invisible man cannot be a satyr. It must be Yahweh. For Yahweh is a jealous god and does not appreciate getting cuckolded sacrifice-wise by some damn tree spirit.

And with that squared away, do not eat any blood. We've covered this one before... just a few chapters ago actually... but it bears repeating. Many times. Blood is for sacrifices and meat is for eating. If you eat blood you shall be cut off from your people. Do not eat blood. For it is an abomination unto you, and I am the LORD your god.

If you kill and eat an animal while out hunting, pour the blood out first and cover it in dust. If you eat roadkill (animals "torn by beasts") you must wash yourself and be unclean until the evening.

Do not eat blood. For I am the LORD your god. Etc.

Chp. 18

Whom not to have sex with:

Your father, your mother, your stepmother, your sister, or your half-sister - even - and I want to make this very clear - even if your sister or half-sister was born in another country. Do not have sex with your granddaughter. Do not have sex with your half-sister, just in case you weren't paying attention sentence before last. Nor should you have sex with your aunt: paternal, maternal, either one. Or your uncle. Or your aunt or uncle by marriage. Or your sister-in-law. Or any woman and that woman's daughter. Or any woman and that woman's sister. Or any woman on her period. Do not have sex with your neighbor's wife. And do not - listen, because a lot of people overlook this rule - do not sacrifice your children by fire to Molech.

Whuh-whuh?

Do not have sex with a man in the way you would a woman. Ditto for an animal. Oh, whoops, and there it went - did you miss it? - the entire Biblical enjoinment against homosexuality. Leviticus 18:22 (though soon to be repeated in Leviticus 20:13). For starters, it only pertains to male homosexuals. And it commands a startlingly miniscule Biblical bywater considering all the attention contemporary religious homophobes want to pay to it. And it seems to leave very broad loopholes for non-sodomic homosexual behavior such as mutual masturbation, or marriage.

If you do any of these things then you will be cast off from your people, or defiled as a people, or vomited out by the land where you live, or something. Actually what god has to say about the punishment for breaking his sexual prohibitions is a little odd, because it's hard saying if the punishment's to be brought down on the individual lawbreaker or the whole society. An ambiguity which Pat Robertson is more than happy to exploit.

Chp. 19

More stuff not to do:

Disrespect your father or mother, work on the sabbath, worship idols, eat from a peace sacrifice in an untimely fashion, reap a field to its border or gather gleanings after a harvest (these are to be left for the poor), steal, lie, swear falsely by god's name, oppress or rob your neighbor, fail to pay an employee at the end of every single workday (that one's interesting, no?), curse the deaf, trip the blind, judge im-impartially, slander, fail to defend a neighbor's life, hate your brother, take revenge upon your own people, let mixed-race cattle breed with each other, sow a field with two kinds of seed, wear any clothing made of blended fabrics (no cotton-poly blends! They are equally illegal with gay sex!), have sex with an engaged female slave on pain of a guilt offering in the form of a ram, eat fruit from a tree you plant before its fifth year of yields, eat blood, practice witchcraft, cut the hair of your temples or trim your beard, perform decorative scarification, have any tattoos, turn out your daughter as a whore, consult wizards, dishonor the hoary head (aka, old people), do wrong by gentiles who live in your nation, or fix measurements or scales.

Chp. 20

Anyone who sacrifices his children by fire to Molech will be put to death.

Huh? Seems we heard something about that a minute ago. What the hell is this about?

Dunno. No explanation, really. But what we can infer with some confidence here is that this guy Molech... clearly a friend of Azazel and Gozer... would enjoy eating your children, provided you burn their bodies for him first. Well guess what, guys? Don't do it. Bad idea. God puts the solid kibosh on that one, no matter how tempting it may seem.

Now, suppose you're innocent in this regard but your neighbor sacrifices his children to Molech, and you don't stone the guy to death? Well you're still on the hook: God will set his face against you and cut you off from your people for playing the harlot to Molech. So a word to the wise here: if you stumble on anybody performing a child sacrifice to Molech, don't say to yourself, "Hey, you know, these are their kids. It's really none of my business." Nope. Make it your business, buddy, and stone those perps to death forthwith.

Do not consult with wizards or mediums. And if this law extends to the goddamn astrology column in the daily newspaper, then maybe this is one Levitican law I can get behind.

If you insult your parents, you're to be stoned to death. If you commit adultery, or incest, or gay male anal penetration, or bestiality, you're to be stoned to death. If you have sex with your sister, you're to be exiled - god has a little bit of sympathy for you there. And why not? I mean, suppose your sister is super hot or something.

You are to be cut off from your people if you see your mother or sister naked. Which sounds pretty much like the same penalty as having sex with your sister, right? So if you see her naked then I guess at that point you'd be just as well off going for broke.... Oh, and you're also to be exiled if you see a woman naked during her period. Oh well: who needed the medical science of gynecology anyway?

Says here that if you have sex with your brother's or uncle's wife then you'll both die childless. Which is mighty hard to figure out. Suppose one of the two of you you already had children? And what prevents you from having them after the adultery? God's magic? Or the intervention of your community?

Keep all my laws, or the land where you live will vomit you out. For I am the LORD your god! Etc.

"A man or a woman who is a medium or a wizard shall be put to death; they shall be stoned with stones, their blood shall be upon them." (20:27) Bad news for Uri Geller and James van Praagh, huh? And for the weird, vituperative little man who lives next door to me. He has a winding white beard and hair, wears a black cloak all the time, is about four feet tall, and screams obscenities from behind closed doors at his partner in a creepy, degenerate, prepubescent-boy voice. And sometimes also at my girlfriend if she smirks at him in the hallway. Anyway, I think this guy is a wizard, and am pleased to know now that the LORD our god wants me to stone him to death.